Snape's Revenge
by Backroads
Summary: Snape is unable to contain his fury at the latest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor: a fluffy pink bunny.


Professor Severus Snape had never much cared for summer. Too happy and bright. Cheerfulness made him ill. On the positive side, there were no students. But that also made a negative. Torturing students was one of the reasons Snape crawled out of bed each morning. But now the students were gone. Yes, Snape really did hate summer.

Another reason were the stupid mid-summer Hogwarts staff meetings. What a way to celebrate the solstice, locked up in the muggy staff room. Everyone looked miserable--Professor Flitwick was already asleep. Nothing every interesting happened at these meetings preceding the school year. Years before, Snape had given up hope that he would ever be offered the Defense Against the Dark Arts position.

Teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. That was his greatest wish, his most desperate desire, his fondest dream. Despite everything, someday, he knew that Albus Dumbledore would offer him the job.

Unlike everyone else, Dumbledore looked thrilled to be there.

"I'd like to start off the meeting with an important announcement," he said happily. "As you know, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position is, as usual, empty. But I've found a solution, one that will hopefully be permanent. It's such a simple plan, such a brilliant one that I can't believe I never thought of it before! For so many years, the perfect person for the job has been right under my nose."

Snape's heart skipped a beat. Was this it? Was this the moment he had been waiting for? He could scarcely breathe.

Dumbledore continued. "And I'm sure you'll all agree that he will be a wonderful professor. The new Defense Against the Dark is...."

Snape quickly tried to prepare a speech in his head.

"Professor Snuggles McFlufferness." Dumbledore placed a cute, fluffy, and pink bunny rabbit on the table.

Everyone stared. Snape felt like he had been shot with a Muggle gun right through the head.

"He's a rabbit," Professor McGonagall pointed out.

"I know," Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"He's boring," said Hagrid.

Professor Binns, the most boring ghost in the entire school, tried to stifle a laugh. "A rabbit."

"I assure you he is most qualified for the job," Dumbledore said. "I urge you to give him a chance."

"I think he's sort of cute," Professor Sinestra said tentatively. "Look at his floppy ears and his little bunny nose."

No one could deny that Professor Snuggles McFlufferness was adorable.

Snape fumed. He had suffered watching the Defense Against the Dark Arts position being filled by a servant of Voldemort, an idiot, a werewolf, an imposter, and Satan incarnated. Now a bunny? It was almost too much to take.

The school year began, and Defense Against the Dark Arts quickly became the students' favorite class. They said it was interesting and informative, challenging without being overwhelming. Professor McFlufferness had also become a favorite with the staff. Especially the female staff. Many of the female students had taken a fancy to the cotton-tailed teacher as well.

Snape was the only one who didn't like Professor McFlufferness. He couldn't put his finger on any one thing that he hated about the rabbit. Maybe it was his pretty pink fur. Or the way he wiggled his nose. Or how cuddly he was. But one of the main reasons was that he had the job Snape wanted.

As the weeks passed, Snape felt his anger building. He couldn't look at Professor McFlufferness without feeling the utmost hate. Why this rabbit? Snape was very qualified to teach Defense Against the Darks Arts. And he was the only one who truly wanted it! He promised himself he would have that job, if it was the last thing he did.

So one night, long after the students had gone to bed, Snape crept into Snuggles McFlufferness' office where he was working late. The rabbit saw the shadow of the raised dagger on the wall, but as everyone knows fluffy pink bunny rabbits can't scream, no one knew of the murder until the next morning.

No one suspected Snape. No one, that is, except for Harry Potter and his friends, but they never actually went to the authorities with their suspicions.

Snape went to Dumbledore on his own.

"It was I!" Snape exclaimed in a mad scientist sort of voice. "It was I who killed Professor Snuggles McFlufferness!"

Dumbledore blinked. "Um. . .okay. Why did you do such a horrible thing?"

Snape's eyes flashed. "Because I want the Defense Against the Dark Arts job! I've always wanted it! I can't let cute bunnies get in the way of my dreams!"

Dumbledore blinked again. "You wanted that job?"

"Yes! Didn't you just hear my dramatic declaration?"

"Oh. . . I didn't know. You should have said something earlier."

Snape's jaw dropped. "I should have? Well. . . can I have it now?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm afraid not. You just murdered the last professor, so I'm afraid I'll have to send you to Azkaban. If you're still sane by the end of your sentence, sure, you can apply for the job."

The headmaster shook his head as the Dementors drug Severus Snape away. They went through these teachers so fast. Now Neville Longbottom would have to teach.

_The End!_


End file.
